So today I was thinking about things I've achieved. Despite not being married or having a child, I have actually accomplished things in my life. One thing that really stuck with me was my last semester of college. It stuck with me because the last 2 months of college was the worst time of my life. I was basically homeless. I had an apartment I couldn't go to because things were too hostile there. Instead, I had some wonderful friends that opened up their hearts and apartments for me when I had nothing. I don't really think of myself as a great friend, but they still gave me something when I felt like I had nothing.
Thinking of how it felt to be on campus because I had no where safe to go. It's hard to believe I've come this far since then. It was the ultimate rock bottom. And even though there were people trying to make me lose everything, I didn't lose the strength to keep pushing forward. I finished my semester with good grades and graduated. I wish I could say my graduation was the best day of my life (so far). In a way, it was. I finally got to drive back up here to my parent's house where I had relief from the biggest nightmare of my life.
I honestly don't know how I got through that time of my life. I often think of how I felt then to remember that I can get through any hardships I may encounter. A part of me feels like that experience stole away a lot of my youth... maybe my fun spirit. Will it ever come back? Is that just something that happens over life as you experience hardships? Will I ever truly rebound?
It's hard for me to be close to people. Mostly because I'm embarrassed of myself. I honestly don't even know if I'm capable of allowing friends to get close anymore. It feels like I lost that part of myself. Hanging out with friends just doesn't feel the same anymore.
Anyway, I better get to bed. Maybe more thoughts later on.
-Maureen
I think that, while being married and having kids are wonderful things to experience (well, I can only say half of that with certainty, having not experienced the other) that they aren't necessarily a measurement of whether or not one has succeeded in life or achieved great things... And I'm not sure why we are conditioned to believe it. I think that for your own personal experience in life, you've done many wonderful things and you're also doing better for yourself. Standing up for yourself and not allowing the vicious actions of others to destroy you is a great all its own. You're amazing! Don't forget it.
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